imposter syndrome
After fifteen years of sharing on the internet, you would think I would be confident when I share a post. Every now and then, a friend on here will share my substack, and I’ll get an influx of new folk (hi, if you’re new!). It’s super encouraging, and then the paralysis hits. All these strangers seem to think I have something worth saying…but what if I actually don’t have anything to say that’s worth reading and they see I’m a fraud? Even worse is when someone in real life finds my content; these people know me personally, and now they are watching my posts and they will FOR SURE see I’m a fraud.
Part of the drive to share online is wanting to be seen; but the paradox is being seen is scary.
“I’m not sitting with you, you’re too good and make me look bad,” so I was told when I arrived at a paint and sip event. I have never been more nervous to show a painting than that one; they thought I could paint and I really can’t and they were about to see it for real life.
“Oh to be you! On a lot of levels but specifically your ability to get stuff done is enviable”. Girl what? I’ve had a quilt crumpled in the corner of my bedroom for a week trying to get it basted. My crochet blanket is heading towards its first birthday and I’m barely half way. The road to y craft room is paved with half started and long ignored projects. Of all the things I am, enviable is not one of them.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, the way we see ourselves vs the way others see us. On the flip side, I am constantly telling a friend how amazing an artist she is, and she keeps shooting my comments down.
It makes me think of a quote I saw once, possibly on Tumblr? I quoted it just last week at homeschool art class. The post, which I can not for the life of me find any more, was talking about how no matter how much we practice, it can feel like we’re never quite breaking through to whatever level we’re aiming for. And then the post said something that has stuck with me. “No matter how much we improve and practice and increase our skills, when we look at what we make, we can still see ourselves. It’s impossible to be objective, and it’s impossible to practice yourself out of your art.”
Oof. I’m paraphrasing there, but that was the vibe of it. You can never get so good your art is completely devoid of signs of you. When we look at our own pieces, of course we are going to be more critical than anyone else. Everyone else is seeing something beautiful. We are seeing ourselves. No wonder we feel like imposters; we may as well be looking at completely different works for how different our perspectives are.
A couple of weeks back, I made a silly mistake, due to something as simple not paying attention. It was fixable, definitely. Nobody is hurt and nothing is damaged (aside from my pride). The time and cost of the fix was more an annoyance than a major inconvenience. In the grand scheme of things, it was quite minor.
Of course, I was feeling a right goose and beating myself up the whole time from when it happened to when it was fixed. Funnily enough, when my husband made the same mistake a few years back, and spoke about himself the way I was speaking about myself when it was my turn, I went out of my way to reassure him it wasn’t a problem and it was exactly what it was - a mistake. No biggy.
There’s a lesson in there, I think, about the way I speak to (and think of) myself and the high standards I hold myself to vs the grace I extend to others. Maybe I should be as kind and forgiving to myself as I am to my husband. Maybe I should be as encouraging of my own art as I am of my besties. Trust that the folks who find this post in their inbox enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy reading the substacks that drop into my inbox.
It’s a script flip of a lesson I think I need to work hard on. It’s easy to get focussed on the terror of being seen too much when sharing online - especially when sharing creative work which can reveal our flaws and insecurities without us even realising - and in that focus losing sight of the more important truth. It’s impossible to have an objective opinion of ones self and ones work. I might disagree with the ridiculously kind things those in my orbit have to say; I might call them biased, I might think they are entitled to an opinion even if it’s “wrong”. But my own opinion and my ever rampant impostor syndrome is equally, if not more, biased and flawed. I need to give myself the grace and the support I give those around me, and I need to learn to accept those words as, maybe not as truth, but as well meant and offered in a spirit of encouragement.
The joy of the internet is (algorithms aside) we can curate our own experience. I am beyond honoured you’ve chosen to include me in your curated corner of the digital world.
ON THE CRAFT TABLE THIS WEEK
almost crafting?? Recording a podcast (should be up here on substack tomorrow!) after procrastinating far too long due to said imposter syndrome // teaching an art class for the homeschool group and yes I am forever laughing at ME as an art teacher // long weekend fun included getting started on a new spinning project with fibre that I dyed myself
IN MY ORBIT THIS WEEK
Watching// Homespun on Stan - it was a fun, lighthearted Aussie film. I enjoyed watching it while spinning yarn over the weekend (and the irony of this choice is not lost on me!
Reading// far too many lesson plans and not enough books! It’s been one of those weeks. Hopefully this weekend?
Listening// to the Scrapbook Your Way podcast. I popped it on for a drive too and from the scout camp a couple of weeks back and have been really enjoying the conversations
Planning// a cozy weekend inside by the fire; I want to get a quilt backing pieced, and hopefully the second ply of my yarn spun as well
ELSEWHERE THIS WEEK
On the blog// wrapping up all the May happenings with some thoughts on my shift away from Me Made May as an all-in hyper fixation.
On the gram// a three day weekend is a perfect excuse for all the projects, and I celebrated the fun of a craftapalooza with a little 40 second vlog reel.
On the pod// from season four - self sabotage and getting in our own way
On the ‘tube// another May wrap - Messy May is over and I’ve filmed a flip through of my finished journal.
On the ‘stack// A message on "normal” that I needed to hear today from
and from my saved folder, this magical take on the auroras fromOn the pins// a nice easy sock project for an upcoming road trip, a cute bag I feel like I need to add to my collection, and pinning an article on creative fulfilment for weekend reading.
After lamenting my winter blahs, I’ve found a modicum of motivation and am looking forward to a weekend of crafting. It’s going to be cold and cloudy so I’m planning on curling up by the fire and making all the things. Adding my spinning wheel to my lounge room trolley was an inspired choice, so spinning and crochet are high on my list, plus some journaling and reading. On the content side of things, I have a podcast to edit and a newsletter for my blog to write, and hopefully a post or two there as well.
What are you making this weekend?
Thank you for the share Rachel! I love this thought "You can never get so good your art is completely devoid of signs of you." I need to take that to heart. I am new at drawing/writing/sharing. Every time I do a picture I have to turn off the part of my brain that judges how my handwriting looks - I have always disliked my chaotic scrawl so am working to find a way to love it - and I think your comment helps with that - it is a part of me and an undeniable stamp of me, love it or hate it. I don't hate it enough to do calligraphy classes and change it so I better get on with the loving! xo
That whole imposter thing is what stopped me writing and posting. But I think I’ve finally reached the age (and growth in myself) where I do not care about that (said with fingers crossed behind my back 🤭)